How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
