I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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