3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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