we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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