i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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