Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
