I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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