life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
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