Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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