I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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