I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
