she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
