Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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