I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
