I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
