i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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