I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
