i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
