Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
