I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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