Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
