oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
