You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
