I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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