My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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