i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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