my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
