I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
