So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
