you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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