i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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