I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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