last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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