I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
