Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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