I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
