I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
