i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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