I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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