I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
