I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
