Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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