i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just cropdusted the office
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
