I looked at my own cervix.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
