I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
