So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
