Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
