you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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