her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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