i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A+ Viking dick
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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